Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
by EF22
Summary: Emma lays on her lounge (couch) after killing Killian, thinking of a song that sounds and feels like what she's going through.


**I do not own Once Upon a Time or any of it's characters, they belong to Eddie and Adam. I do not own 'Dancing With Tears In My Eyes', it belongs to Ke$ha/Kesha.**

 **Prompt: Emma lying on her lounge after killing Killian, thinking of a song that sounds just like what she's feeling and going through.**

 _Here we go_

 _Welcome to my funeral_

 _Without you_

 _I don't even have a pulse_

I can't breathe. I can't speak. I can't blink. I'm numb. I can't do anything... but feel the ache in my heart.

 _All alone it's dark and cold_

 _With every move I die_

It wasn't suppose to be like this. As the dark one I felt alone and scared, and now as The Saviour, I still feel that way. It wasn't suppose to be like this. He wasn't suppose to be gone, he was meant to be here - with me, and our future. He's suppose to be here.

 _Here I go, this is my confessional_

 _A lost cause, nobody could save my soul_

I'm empty. I'm numb. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm alone. I can't breathe. I can barely lay here. Everyone was trying to talk to me, get me to talk, when they brought me to my house. My parents. Henry. Regina. Even Robin. But I didn't say a thing, I couldn't say a thing. I can't even cry because I've used up all my tears for the day. If I could I would've cried when Henry told me he'd miss Killian just as much as I do. Yet I couldn't. I'm empty, and I feel nothing - nothing but pain.

 _I am so delusional_

 _With every move I die_

 _I have destoryed our love, it's gone_

It's all my fault. It's my fault; that he's dead, that he died three times, that he became the dark one, that he was sucked back into the darkness - it was my fault that I had to kill him. But more than just that was my fault. It's my fault; that he gave up his home, that he gave up his life as a pirate - it was my fault that all he felt was heart ache because I'd never say my feelings.

 _Payback is sick, it's all my fault_

It's all my fault. If I thought I was paying the price for turning Killian into a dark one when he was trying to kill my family, I was wrong. If I thought I was paying the price when he told me he hated me, I was wrong. If I thought I was paying the price when he had me kill him - I was wrong. I'm paying it right now. Just a few hours without him and life is already so hard.

 _I'm dancing with tears in my eyes_

 _Just fighing to get throught the night_

 _I'm losing it (losing it) [x3]_

 _With every move I die_

The hours have gone by since he had me kill him. It's just horrible. As the hours ticked by I felt like I was losing my mind, he collapsing is the only that I can think of. I've never felt pain like this before. Being left in prison, pregnant, was nothing compared to this. I'm fighting to just breathe, because everytime I try I just feel like I'm dying, or drowning - it could be both.

 _I'm faded, I'm broken inside_

 _I've wasted the love of my life_

I never let him in. He always loved me, always wanted me, and I never let him in - until it was too late. He was always patient with me and let me set the pace in our relationship. I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted forever with him, I knew he would be the one and I never told him, until it was too late. Just the thought of how I did all that breaks my heart, breaks me.

 _I'm losing it (losing it) [x3]_

 _With every move I die_

 _When did I become such a hypocrite_

 _Double life, lies that you caught me in_

 _Trust me I'm paying for it_

I think back to when he'd gotten hit by a car and we were talking in the hospital, all I did was ask him what the villainous plans were and he deflected. I did that to him, he asked and I deflected. God, being the dark one made me a hypocrite. Seriously just lying and deflecting and keeping things from him made me feel horrible, and that was punishment enough. This, though, yeah _this_ is making me pay for it.

 _On the floor I'm just a zombie_

 _Who I am is not who I wanna be_

I feel dead inside. Absolutely nothing, completely empty. Heartbroken, tired from no sleep for weeks, exhausted from crying and angry at how me being me got him killed. I told him this would happen, I told him and in that moment I wished I wasn't me so I could keep him from this tragic end I knew I'd bring.

 _I'm such a tragedy_

 _With every move I die_

 _I have destoryed our love, it's gone_

 _Payback is sick, it's all my fault_

I ruin everything. No villian could have ruined things the way I did. Now Killian's dead and I get to live with the guilt of his death not only because I killed him but because I lead him to his death. It's all my fault.

 _I'm dancing with tears in my eyes_

 _Just fighing to get throught the night_

 _I'm losing it (losing it) [x3]_

 _With every move I die_

 _I'm faded, I'm broken inside_

 _I've wasted the love of my life_

 _I'm losing it (losing it) [x3]_

 _With every move I die_

Every good image of us together has been flashing through my head throughout the night; us meeting, our fight at Lake Nostos, our first kiss, our time travel adventure, our first date (only date), him telling me I was his happy ending, us falling onto my bed when I found out he was alive, me telling him I loved him for the first time, us in a field of Middlemist flowers, me telling him I wanted a future with him - but after the good memories came the bad ones.

 _This is it_

 _And now you're really gone this time_

 _Never once thought_

 _I'd be in pieces left behind_

He's gone, for good. He can't come back this time. This is no alternate universe and if I had the chance there's no way in hell I'd turn him into a dark one again. But that just means he's really gone. This is why I didn't want to be with him, fall in love with him, because then he'd die and he was one of the two people I couldn't lose. But now, he's gone and just left here, in pieces, feeling empty, heartbroken and numb.

 _I'm dancing with tears in my eyes_

 _Just fighing to get throught the night_

 _I'm losing it (losing it) [x3]_

 _With every move I die_

 _I'm faded, I'm broken inside_

 _I've wasted the love of my life_

 _I'm losing it (losing it) [x3]_

 _With every move I die_

The worst part is, with him, I actually started to believe that he'd be ok, that he'd always be there for me and would never leave me. But he has. I should feel a little angry at him, he told me he was a survivor but he died, but I just can't be. It's breaking me; knowing he's gone, knowing he's not coming back, knowing that everything he did he did for me, knowing that even the worst part of him loved her enough to give up everything. It's just slowly breaking me but I can feel it, and it's killing me. I only hope that while I'm paying the price of everything I did up here, he's safe and unharmed wherever he is. It's what he deserves.

So I decided to just prepare myself, my life, my heart and my soul for a life without Killian, and with that I just stared at the roof of my house whilst holding the ring Killian gave me.

 **Author's Note: If you guys liked it please review, or whatever. What did everyone think of 6x08 - I'll Be Your Mirror? I loved it; could of gone for more Hook and Captain Swan but loved all the Henry. Alright, I love Kesha and I was just sitting in my room and was listening to her first album and I love this song, always have, but when I just sat down and listened to the lyrics I thought to myself 'this is what I'd imagine Emma was thinking when she had killed Killian' and I decided to write this. So I hope you guys liked it.**


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